Real Fears of a Foster Parent






FEAR.

4 little letters. One simple word. Yet this is a daily reality that is so hard to bear.

As foster parents we can live in constant fear. Fear of kids returning home to unsafe situations. Fear of them not returning at all. Fear that no one will fight for them. Fear that the system will fail them… again. Fear that they will be forgotten. Fear as you are told they will be having visits with family members who have harmed them. Fear of loving and losing. Fear of what will happen at your next court date, or visit, or team meeting. Fear of how they will react the next time they are "triggered", or where you will be when they are "triggered". Fear that no matter what you do, your kids will still push you away, and will never want you. Fear that no matter how hard you try, it wont make a difference. Fear that in the end, you don't get to choose what is best for your babies.

This fear is such a deep fear. A fear that leaves you sick to your stomach. A fear that keeps you up at night, or wakes you from a deep sleep, with your whole body trembling and sweating. A fear that leaves you holding your breath, hoping and praying with all that you have. A fear that makes you want to cry your ugly cry. A paralyzing fear knowing you are powerless.

But this fear drives you towards something so beautiful. This fear drives you towards the fiercest love you have ever known. 

A love that would fight whatever demons are thrown your way. A love that will stand up day after day to be beaten down by the screams, the fists, the objects thrown your way, the judgments of others, the condescension and manipulation, and everything else. A love to advocate, no matter how hard it is. A love that says, "I will never stop fighting for you." A love that can look a child in the eyes, and tell them they are safe, or that they will never again have to face what the past has thrown at them. A love that will move mountains and break down walls to get them what they need, to give them a voice, and to support them. A love that will stand in the gap for them day after day, no matter how tired you are. 

Because of this love, I have to have hope. I have to believe that maybe it will all be ok. Because if I don't turn my fear into love, and in love find hope, I will be swallowed by a darkness that is so lonely that I will never recover. 


Every day I face fears. Every day I look at my children, and I find such a deep love that I never knew I could give. 

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