Why You Should Never Ask Your Young Married Friends When They Are Having Kids
Many of you might have read this title and gone, "I never knew there was anything wrong with that." The truth is, before being married, neither did I.
No, I never really asked that question before, unless it was one of my close friends, but the truth is that I thought it all the time. "Oh, they've been married for 6 months, I wonder if she is pregnant yet?"
Growing up in the Christian culture, and more so in the home-school culture, it's almost expected that you get married young and have kids right off. If you don't do that, then you are the odd one out.
I cannot tell you how many of my friends got married at 19 and had a honeymoon baby. Or, maybe they got married right after college and waited 6 months before getting pregnant. Either way, when I was younger, the couples who got married at 23 and waited 4 years before having kids seemed odd.
The truth is, I nenver realized how many people asked young couples, "when are you were having kids?, or "are you pregnant?" untill I was the young married person. I cannot tell you how many times in the last year I have had people ask me those questions or make comments like, "you looked like you were glowing when you were holding that baby, so I thought you must be pregnant." or "you look so comfortable with kids, you should make your own!"
Personally, I find these to be the most insensitive questions or comments you could ever make to a young married person, and I'll tell you why I find it insensitive.
There are 3 main reasons I find this insensitive. Warning, these may be very blunt, so please don't be offended.
1. If They Haven't Told You, You Don't Need to Know
Yes, just that. If they have not told you that they are pregnant, then either they aren't, or they aren't ready to tell.
By asking this question you force them into an awkward and annoying situation. Either they are telling the 12th person that week that "No, we aren't pregnant." Or, you have now placed them in the position of not wanting to announce it yet, but they don't feel like they can lie to you.
So, please, don't ask them. Wait for them to tell you. (Plus, the surprise is more fun than knowing early).
2. Maybe They Don't Want Biological Children (Or Any Children)
Now this one comes in 4 parts, because to the best I can tell, their are 4 reasons they may not want kids, and any other reasons fall into these 4 reasons.
A. Maybe they want them, but just not yet.
A couple may have many reasons to wait for kids. Maybe they want them now, but they also know that they should finish college first. Maybe they want a few years just to be them.
The truth is, once you have kids, it changes everything. The "us" goes from 2 people to 3. You have to worry about breastfeeding in public. Whether or not the baby slept (or you for that matter). What you need to bring. Can the child stand to sit in the car seat for that long? How much is the 3rd plane ticket? We can't do that, they have a soccer game. Who can babysit? We have to visit family this year so they can see the kids, which means no vacation...
Once Parenthood starts, it never ends. EVER. So what's wrong with waiting a few years?! NOTHING. Also, there is nothing wrong with never wanting kids. Some people just dont want them.
B. Selfish Health issues.
Now, this one doesn't apply to all, and yes it truly is selfish, but it's one of my reasons. I have a lot of health issues. I have a lot of other friends with health issues. I've watched them go through 9 long months of basically being confined to the house, followed by 8 month of recovering and catching up on sleep and energy, while trying to care for a newborn. Not to mention the intense strain that labor put them through.
The truth is, for me, I would have to give up a year and a half of my social life and work life, and spend it in and out of hospitals, completely exhausted and most likely depressed. Not to say that children aren't worth it, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy the first 8 months of my child's life the way healthy women could. Yes, I know this is very selfish, but it is a reason.
C. Selfless health Issues.
This one is the flip side of the other one. Let's pretend that my pregnancy went well and recovery wasn't that bad. Guess what? Now I have a child that most likely has my health genes.
I would never wish my health struggle on another person. So, to choose to have a child, knowing that more likely than not they will have my health struggles (with possibly more), I just couldn't comfortably choose to do that. Yes, as much as I may want children, it would be selfish of me to choose to have them at their expenses. Most of you probably won't get that, but I do.
D. Maybe they want to adopt
This is one that really hits home with me. Ignore all the other reasons for just a second. Every mother out there know that even if they have as many children as they wanted, they know they could love and probably care for more. However, they also know they have a limit. Because of that most countries have recognized that and will not allow you to adopt if you have 8 children. So, if I have the ability to be able to adopt 8 of the billions of orphaned children in the world, and I choose to have 2 biological children, then I only have room to adopt 6 children. That leave 2 children who are already in existence, who now have no home. How could I do that?! Why would I choose to add more children to this world, instead of adopting those who are already here and don't have a home, family, or someone to love them. I'd rather choose those who are already here. (that's not to say that if I were to end up having a bio child that I would love them any less).
3. Maybe They Can't Have Children
Most people don't think about this before saying something. The truth is, is that I too have made comments and then regretted them later when I found out the couple had had a miscarriage.
I cannot tell you the number of close friends I have who have had miscarriages in their first year of marriage. Every time someone asks them whey they are having kids, it hurts. Every time someone else announces a pregnancy, it hurts. Every time they hold a baby, it hurts. When everyone celebrates mother's day, they weep.
Learn to be sensitive. because you never know if infertility is their struggle. Maybe they've been trying for 2 years, but it's just not happening. Maybe that's what consumes them day in and day out, and your question reminds them that they can't. maybe they feel at fault and your question makes them feel even more inferior. THINK before you speak.
I have come to empathize with these women so much. Because of the health conditions I have, I have a 30%-40% possibility of infertility. If I were to become pregnant, I have a 76% higher chance of having a miscarriage, and a if I didn't have a miscarriage I am 3x more likely to have an ectopic pregnancy, a 26% higher chance or preterm birth and a 40% higher need for a C-section. All in all, I guesstimate that mean I have about a 1 in 5 chance of being able to get pregnant no problems and have a smooth pregnancy and delivery. Which means I have a 4 in 5 chance of that not happening. No, we are not trying to have a child, and frankly if we were these odd would terrify me. Because of that, I empathize with women who struggle with these things, because I know that it is me also.
Conclusion
Stop asking the questions, making the jokes and making stupid remarks. Because it's not your place to know, it's not funny, and its aggravating. Instead, be patient, be sensitive, and be kind. When I got married I quickly could tell who my close friends were compared to who my other friends were. My close friends knew that we weren't planning on having kids in the near future and if for some reason we did, we would tell them. Or they asked what our timeline was for adoption. Everyone else made comments and asked questions.
If you truly want to know when a couple are planning on having children there is an appropriate way to do so. First, you must be close to them, if you aren't, don't ask because it's not your place to know. If the conversation arises, as them IF they are having kids, not WHEN. If they answer the IF question, then you may ask what their timeline is.
No, I never really asked that question before, unless it was one of my close friends, but the truth is that I thought it all the time. "Oh, they've been married for 6 months, I wonder if she is pregnant yet?"
Growing up in the Christian culture, and more so in the home-school culture, it's almost expected that you get married young and have kids right off. If you don't do that, then you are the odd one out.
I cannot tell you how many of my friends got married at 19 and had a honeymoon baby. Or, maybe they got married right after college and waited 6 months before getting pregnant. Either way, when I was younger, the couples who got married at 23 and waited 4 years before having kids seemed odd.
The truth is, I nenver realized how many people asked young couples, "when are you were having kids?, or "are you pregnant?" untill I was the young married person. I cannot tell you how many times in the last year I have had people ask me those questions or make comments like, "you looked like you were glowing when you were holding that baby, so I thought you must be pregnant." or "you look so comfortable with kids, you should make your own!"
Personally, I find these to be the most insensitive questions or comments you could ever make to a young married person, and I'll tell you why I find it insensitive.
There are 3 main reasons I find this insensitive. Warning, these may be very blunt, so please don't be offended.
1. If They Haven't Told You, You Don't Need to Know
Yes, just that. If they have not told you that they are pregnant, then either they aren't, or they aren't ready to tell.
By asking this question you force them into an awkward and annoying situation. Either they are telling the 12th person that week that "No, we aren't pregnant." Or, you have now placed them in the position of not wanting to announce it yet, but they don't feel like they can lie to you.
So, please, don't ask them. Wait for them to tell you. (Plus, the surprise is more fun than knowing early).
2. Maybe They Don't Want Biological Children (Or Any Children)
Now this one comes in 4 parts, because to the best I can tell, their are 4 reasons they may not want kids, and any other reasons fall into these 4 reasons.
A. Maybe they want them, but just not yet.
A couple may have many reasons to wait for kids. Maybe they want them now, but they also know that they should finish college first. Maybe they want a few years just to be them.
The truth is, once you have kids, it changes everything. The "us" goes from 2 people to 3. You have to worry about breastfeeding in public. Whether or not the baby slept (or you for that matter). What you need to bring. Can the child stand to sit in the car seat for that long? How much is the 3rd plane ticket? We can't do that, they have a soccer game. Who can babysit? We have to visit family this year so they can see the kids, which means no vacation...
Once Parenthood starts, it never ends. EVER. So what's wrong with waiting a few years?! NOTHING. Also, there is nothing wrong with never wanting kids. Some people just dont want them.
B. Selfish Health issues.
Now, this one doesn't apply to all, and yes it truly is selfish, but it's one of my reasons. I have a lot of health issues. I have a lot of other friends with health issues. I've watched them go through 9 long months of basically being confined to the house, followed by 8 month of recovering and catching up on sleep and energy, while trying to care for a newborn. Not to mention the intense strain that labor put them through.
The truth is, for me, I would have to give up a year and a half of my social life and work life, and spend it in and out of hospitals, completely exhausted and most likely depressed. Not to say that children aren't worth it, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy the first 8 months of my child's life the way healthy women could. Yes, I know this is very selfish, but it is a reason.
C. Selfless health Issues.
This one is the flip side of the other one. Let's pretend that my pregnancy went well and recovery wasn't that bad. Guess what? Now I have a child that most likely has my health genes.
I would never wish my health struggle on another person. So, to choose to have a child, knowing that more likely than not they will have my health struggles (with possibly more), I just couldn't comfortably choose to do that. Yes, as much as I may want children, it would be selfish of me to choose to have them at their expenses. Most of you probably won't get that, but I do.
D. Maybe they want to adopt
This is one that really hits home with me. Ignore all the other reasons for just a second. Every mother out there know that even if they have as many children as they wanted, they know they could love and probably care for more. However, they also know they have a limit. Because of that most countries have recognized that and will not allow you to adopt if you have 8 children. So, if I have the ability to be able to adopt 8 of the billions of orphaned children in the world, and I choose to have 2 biological children, then I only have room to adopt 6 children. That leave 2 children who are already in existence, who now have no home. How could I do that?! Why would I choose to add more children to this world, instead of adopting those who are already here and don't have a home, family, or someone to love them. I'd rather choose those who are already here. (that's not to say that if I were to end up having a bio child that I would love them any less).
3. Maybe They Can't Have Children
Most people don't think about this before saying something. The truth is, is that I too have made comments and then regretted them later when I found out the couple had had a miscarriage.
I cannot tell you the number of close friends I have who have had miscarriages in their first year of marriage. Every time someone asks them whey they are having kids, it hurts. Every time someone else announces a pregnancy, it hurts. Every time they hold a baby, it hurts. When everyone celebrates mother's day, they weep.
Learn to be sensitive. because you never know if infertility is their struggle. Maybe they've been trying for 2 years, but it's just not happening. Maybe that's what consumes them day in and day out, and your question reminds them that they can't. maybe they feel at fault and your question makes them feel even more inferior. THINK before you speak.
I have come to empathize with these women so much. Because of the health conditions I have, I have a 30%-40% possibility of infertility. If I were to become pregnant, I have a 76% higher chance of having a miscarriage, and a if I didn't have a miscarriage I am 3x more likely to have an ectopic pregnancy, a 26% higher chance or preterm birth and a 40% higher need for a C-section. All in all, I guesstimate that mean I have about a 1 in 5 chance of being able to get pregnant no problems and have a smooth pregnancy and delivery. Which means I have a 4 in 5 chance of that not happening. No, we are not trying to have a child, and frankly if we were these odd would terrify me. Because of that, I empathize with women who struggle with these things, because I know that it is me also.
Conclusion
Stop asking the questions, making the jokes and making stupid remarks. Because it's not your place to know, it's not funny, and its aggravating. Instead, be patient, be sensitive, and be kind. When I got married I quickly could tell who my close friends were compared to who my other friends were. My close friends knew that we weren't planning on having kids in the near future and if for some reason we did, we would tell them. Or they asked what our timeline was for adoption. Everyone else made comments and asked questions.
If you truly want to know when a couple are planning on having children there is an appropriate way to do so. First, you must be close to them, if you aren't, don't ask because it's not your place to know. If the conversation arises, as them IF they are having kids, not WHEN. If they answer the IF question, then you may ask what their timeline is.
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